Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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