I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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