I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
