You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
