He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
