Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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