They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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