My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
