Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
