Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
