my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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