If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
My dick has a subreddit
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
