Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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