You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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