You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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