I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
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