Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize