I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
