you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
