I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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