I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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