ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
