At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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