there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
