Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
