Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Even my vagina gasped.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
