??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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