I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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