Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
