So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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