Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
