can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
