yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
