I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I need a beard to bite.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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