I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Randomize
