oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
