rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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