why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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