you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
