i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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