I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize