I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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