There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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