It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
