$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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