went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
