I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize