Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
