This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
