When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
No I am not eating basil off your cock
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
