i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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