did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
