My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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