I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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