Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
