I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Randomize
