Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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