Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
