how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
