I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize