do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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