I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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